


About Horizon

by Melpomene55



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 17:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30025362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melpomene55/pseuds/Melpomene55
Summary: Kaidan has been haunted with Shepard's death for the past two years. What will happen now that she is standing in front of him, alive?Kaidan's POV of Horizon and dealing with the death of the woman he loves.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this story on ff.net ages ago after completing the mission on Horizon in Mass Effect 2 for the third time. I always hated Horizon because of the way Kaidan overreacts and one day I had enough of his attitude in the game so I wrote this story from his POV. 
> 
> Some of the dialogue is taken from the game. The title is from the email Kaidan sends Shepard after the mission. 
> 
> Apologies for the mistakes, English is not my main language. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this 😊

_Kaidan's eyes were closed, his arms tightly wrapped around her. Her head was resting on his chest, her fingers gently caressing the skin of his stomach, sending shivers through his entire body. He smiled, silently thanking whatever God that might exist for this moment. Never in his life had he felt better than when he was with her. He had told her everything about him, things he never told anyone before. With her he could be himself._

_"I want to spend the rest of my life with you." he whispered, only realizing he had spoken out loud when she raised her head and looked at him, surprised._

Well, maybe being myself around her isn't always a good idea, _he thought. So many times before he had been in that kind of situation, always talking before thinking when she was around._

_He felt his cheeks burning with shame, his heart hammering with uncertainty in his chest. He wanted to run out of the room and hide. She meant everything to him but he didn't know if she felt the same. He knew she at least liked being with him but he didn't know if she wanted a serious relationship or not._

_It seemed like an eternity to him before she talked, though only a second had passed._

_"Are you proposing, Kaidan?" she asked, a tender smile spreading on her face before kissing his lips tenderly._

_"Maybe." he replied, somewhat relieved. He smiled back at her as he pulled her down for a passionate kiss, his hands caressing her naked back as she climbed on top of him._

_"Commander." Joker's voice interrupted through the intercom._

_"Damn it." she cursed angrily. "If I ever hear you're spying on us Joker I'm going to kill you myself."_

_"You realize you just said us?" Kaidan whispered, grinning._

_"It's not as if he didn't already know you're here." she smiled mischievously._

_"An unidentified vessel appeared on our scanners, Commander. It doesn't match any known signature." he said, ignoring his commander's outburst._

_"Is it a Geth ship?"_

_"It's not the... Brace for evasive maneuvers!" he shouted before they felt the impact of the attack._

_"Damn it." she cursed again, getting out of bed and putting her armor on as fast as she could._

_"I'll meet you on the bridge." Kaidan said as he dressed quickly before heading to get his own armor._

_Kaidan was running to the bridge, carefully avoiding the bodies strewn on the floor._

_"Shepard!" he shouted as soon as he saw her._

_"Distress beacon is ready for launch." she informed him calmly._

_"Will the Alliance get here in time?"_

_"They damn well better."_

_Something exploded beside Kaidan; he groaned as he lost his balance and hit something hard._

_"I'm not doing this so they can find our frozen corpses. Get everyone onto the escape shuttles." she said, trying to extinguish the fire nearby._

_"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship." He found another extinguisher and helped her with the fire. "I'm not leaving either."_

_She grabbed his arm firmly and looked at him through her visor. "I need you to get the crew to the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." She started towards the cockpit, leaving him to do what she asked._

_"Sam." he called. She turned to face him. "Think about what I've told you."_

_"I am." she replied softly and he could see affection in her eyes._

_"I love you." he blurted. He never imagined telling her in that kind of situation. He wanted something more romantic, something perfect, but he wanted her to know,_ needed _her to know now, just in case._

_"I love you too."_

_She stayed there for a moment, holding onto loose cables not to fall. "Now get the hell out of here before I change my mind." she added, laughing softly._

_Kaidan couldn't help but smile. "Aye, aye, Commander."_ _He ran to the evac shuttles, making sure the survivors would make it out of there alive._

_The door to the last shuttle opened, Joker came out. Kaidan's eyes were searching the shuttle's interior but he couldn't find her. His heart stopped. He knew there was no other shuttle, this one was the last._

_"Where is she?" he asked, not sure how the words got out. He felt as if he was a stranger in his own body, as if he was witnessing the event through someone else's eyes._

_"I'm sorry, Lieutenant, she -" Joker started but he interrupted him._

_"No. She can't be." he said, panic seizing him as the unspoken words sank in slowly in his brain._

_He felt someone grab his arm, lead him to a seat. He felt his heart break in his chest, the pain was unbearable. She couldn't be dead, it was too unfair..._

**

Kaidan woke up, his eyes opening wide, his heart hammering in his chest, his body covered with cold sweat. He took deep breaths to calm himself and wiped his forehead. Burning tears were already forming in his eyes. Another nightmare. Kaidan sat in his bed, wondering when they would stop, wondering if they would ever stop. Deep down he knew they wouldn't, he knew they'd keep haunting him for the rest of his life. Kaidan sighed, his head collapsing on his pillow, his eyes staring at the ceiling.

 _Why?_ he kept asking himself for the past two years. _Why did she have to die now, when I just found her?_ He rolled on his side, his fingers lingering on the bed sheets beside him as a single tear rolled on his cheek. He would give anything to be with her again, to hold her tight, to tell her how much she meant to him.

"Commander." the metallic voice on the intercom startled him.

"Yes, what is it?" he asked, hoping his voice wouldn't betray his emotions.

"We'll be on Horizon in thirty minutes."

"Thank you. I'll be on the bridge soon."


	2. Chapter 2

Kaidan recognized her voice in the distance, his heart leapt in his chest. So many times he had hoped for that particular moment but now that his prayers were answered he didn't know what to do or what to expect. Would she still be the same woman he loved? Would she still remember the time they shared together?

"Shepard? Wait, I know that name." a masculine voice said. "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. First human Specter. Savior of the Citadel. You are in the presence of a legend, Delan." Kaidan headed towards them, his eyes fixed on her. "And a ghost." he ended sadly. He knew she was really there, he had read the reports, but it still seemed surreal, as if she was so close but so far at the same time.

He heard the man say something but couldn't make out the words. Not that Kaidan really cared anyway. All his attention was focused on her, on the smile on her face as she saw him, the brightness of her eyes and the butterflies in his stomach.

"Kaidan!" she exclaimed happily, running to him.

Before he even had a chance to think, her body was pressed against his, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. Their eyes met for a second before he was sent back to the past. Their lips sealed with a kiss and Kaidan forgot. He forgot the pain, the tears, the nightmares. It was as if the last two years never happened, as if it had only been a bad dream. For a moment she had never died, she wasn't with Cerberus, the Reapers had been defeated. But most importantly, they were together. He would soon wake up in the captain's cabin of the Normandy, her head on his chest, sleeping peacefully.

But too soon the kiss was over as they had to catch their breath and with it his illusions. He looked at her attentively. She was just as he remembered, her blue eyes shining in the sunlight, her dark brown hair loosely tied, her full lips smiling tenderly at him. Reality hit him when he noticed something new, the proof she had indeed been taken from him; he saw the healing scar on her left cheek. Kaidan broke the embrace and stepped back.

"I thought you were dead. We all did."

"I was. It took two years but they brought me back."

"Why didn't you try to contact me? You should have let me know you were alive."

"I wanted to but your file is classified and Anderson wouldn't tell me where you were." Her fingers caressed his cheek gently.

"I heard rumors you were still alive but as much as I wanted to, I couldn't believe it." He took her hands, their fingers intertwining. "It has been so hard to overcome your death, to deal with the pain. I loved you so much, it tore me apart." The constant pain brought tears to his eyes and he struggled to remain strong before her.

"Kaidan." she tried to say something but he didn't let her.

"They told me you were working for the enemy. Please, tell me they are mistaken. Tell me you are not working for Cerberus."

"I'm sorry, I can't. I am not one of them but I'm working with them to stop the Collectors." She locked her eyes on his, silently pleading him to understand without judging her. "They brought me back to defeat them. The Council won't do anything, they don't believe me."

"But Cerberus, Sam? Do you even remember what they did?" his voice had an angry edge in it as he remembered the atrocities they witnessed years ago.

"I know what they are and what they did. And I know what I'm doing." Her tone was resolute.

"You always did what you thought was right." he whispered sadly, knowing she would never act before thinking, especially not with someone as important as working for, or with, a terrorist group.

"I could use someone like you in my crew, Kaidan. It will be just like old times." she smiled, hopeful that he might agree.

For a moment Kaidan just stood there, her hands still in his, his eyes locked on hers. His heart screamed yes, he wanted to go with her; he couldn't let her be taken from him again. But his brain had a different speech, talking about duty and loyalty to the Alliance. Kaidan looked sadly at her, his heart torn apart by the choice he had to make because he knew no matter what he chose, it wouldn't be the right thing.

"I can't. I am an Alliance soldier. They need me." he said after an eternity, his eyes leaving hers to avoid seeing the pain in them.

"I need you, Kaidan. Please." she pleaded, choking back tears.

"I'm sorry, Sam. Please, be careful. With Cerberus, and with the Collectors." He bent down to kiss her tenderly. Tears were rolling on her cheeks; he brushed them gently with his fingers, a sad small on his lips.

So many times he had prayed for this moment but it was not supposed to be like that. He knew they were meant to be together, something that felt so right couldn't end that way. But he couldn't trust Cerberus, he knew they were too dangerous. He thought he would have given anything to be with her but he realized he couldn't forget his convictions. There was a line he couldn't cross even for the one he loved.

As he turned and walked away from her he felt as if someone ripped his heart yet again. This time he knew his heart was not the only one broken, he knew hers was broken as well to see him turn his back on her.

"I love you." he whispered more to himself as he continued on his way, unaware that she heard him and whispered back to him, tears still rolling on her cheeks as she watched him leave.

**

Kaidan was lying on his bed, his eyes fixed on the ceiling, unshed tears stinging his eyes. Ever since he left, he regretted saying no and walking out on her. He should be with her to protect her, not light-years away.

He didn't even know if it was his heart or brain that won when he walked away. Was he too emotional? Was his personal hate for Cerberus clouding his judgement, preventing him to see that sometimes the line has to be crossed for the greater good?

Or was he too rational when he tried to hide behind words like duty and honor? Did he truly believe the words that crossed his lips when he said the Alliance needed him? Sam was right; the Council wouldn't help against the Collector's threat. For the past two years they tried to hide the truth about Sovereign, accusing her of being brainwashed by Saren. And though Anderson tried his best, the Alliance wouldn't go against the Council.

Kaidan sighed as he knew he wouldn't find sleep that night. He got out of bed and headed to his terminal to start his report on the last mission. _Horizon_. His thoughts drifted to her and what happened on Horizon.

There was something he knew for sure. He couldn't let things end that way. That woman meant everything to him. Without her he was lost, unsure. Kaidan was tired of hiding behind a mask, hiding who he truly was.

He knew he couldn't undo what he had done but he could at least try to explain it to her. Before he could change his mind he decided to let his heart speak to her once more, just as he used to do a lifetime ago.

_Samantha,_

_For two years I tried to move on, I tried to get over my guilt for leaving you on the Normandy when I should have been there with you. I tried to forget the pain caused by the void you left in my life when you were taken from me._

_So many times I prayed to see you again, and there you were, just in front of me. So close but still unreachable._

_There are so many things I wanted to tell you but I didn't. You mean the world to me, Sam. I know I told you before but I want to tell you again; you make me feel human, for so many reasons. And I thank you, for everything you've ever done for me. Seeing you again has brought some life back in my heart._

_Please be careful and come back safely from your mission. I've watched too many people close to me die. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. I know you can defeat the Collectors, I just wish the price to pay will not be too high. Cerberus can't be trusted._

_I'm sorry for what happened on Horizon, I'm sorry things happened the way they did. I know I hurt you; I wanted to say yes and go with you but you have your duties and I have mine. I hope you will understand and forgive me someday for the hurt I've caused you._

_I've always loved you, and I always will. When this is over, I'll be waiting for you if you still want to be with me._

_Kaidan_

Kaidan's fingers hovered above the keyboard as he wondered if he should delete the message or send it. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and pressed sned. _No matter what happens now, she needs to know._

**

Kaidan was staring at his terminal, the words of his last report mixing together. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples.

"Commander, Councilor Anderson is ready to meet with you." his lieutenant informed him on the intercom.

"Thank you. Tell the Councilor I'll be there soon."

Kaidan rose from his seat and headed to the door. He stopped in the doorway when the terminal beeped, informing him he received a new message. He opened the terminal, his heart racing when he saw the subject: _RE: About Horizon..._

He opened the message, unsure if he should read it right away. Maybe he should wait after the meeting but he wouldn't bear to wait without knowing, the message would be the only thing on his mind. Kaidan sat back and with shaky fingers he opened it.

_Kaidan,_

_So many things should have been said on Horizon but they were not. I won't pretend it's easy or that it doesn't hurt, but I understand your decision not to join me. I understand it was difficult for you but I'd like you to understand what it's been like for me. I woke up in that facility only to discover everyone I cared about believed me dead for two years and they all moved on._

_I remember dying. I still can feel the fear of dying alone in space, the fear of losing you. The last thing I saw before closing my eyes was you, telling me you love me on the bridge with that air of finality in it. Maybe you knew what would happen and that's why you said it... Maybe I'm just being dramatic..._

_I know what Cerberus did, I'll never forget. But they saved my life so I could save millions. I have to do it. I have to stop the Collectors, no matter what. I'm not asking you to trust them, only to trust me. You stood by my side when I stole the Normandy; you were ready to be charged with treason or anything else they would throw at us. Because you trusted me. I might have been dead for two years, Cerberus might be the ones who brought me back, but I'm still the one I was then. I'm still the one you fell in love with._

_I'll be honest with you Kaidan, this is a suicide mission. I don't know if any of us will make it but I want you to know that I'll do everything I can to come back to you. I have not forgotten what you told me on the Normandy, I never had the chance to give you the answer to that question you never really asked. I have to live to give you that answer._

_I love you too._

_Sam_

Kaidan turned off the terminal, a real smile spreading on his face as he made his way to his meeting with Councilor Anderson. If someone out there could defeat the Collectors and come back from a suicide mission, it was her. And Kaidan would be there for her, forever...

**Author's Note:**

> The second chapter will be posted very soon. I just need to fix a few mistakes before posting!


End file.
